Ever experience L’appel du vide? Literally translated to “call of the void.” It’s that little voice that tells you to jump when you’re up high. I’ve been standing on the ledge of the metaphorical bridge that is my life, only held up by the thin wiring that diverges the stable wood under my feet. I feel the rush of wind–so free, so constantly ever changing–and peel a nervous hand from the lines keeping me in place. Testing my balance, I reach out for adventure, uncertainty, and room to breathe…
The problem is not that my feet are glued to the floor, however. It has nothing to do with my pride or a group of kids telling me to jump. This is personal–this is me. I’m constricted by my introversion. I’m not a shy person, really I’ve never been shy. When I don’t talk in a group or in class it’s because I’m contemplating the worthiness of my input. In the same way, I’ve always preferred books to concerts. Until I experienced the concerts for the first time. This past summer I went to The Arctic Monkeys concert in Philadelphia and although I hated crowds, I loved the music more. I felt the surrender. I surrendered to the field of people belting out the notes to a band that is mainly popular in Europe. I surrendered to the bodies pushed up against me and the buzz of energy that can only be exchanged through touch. I surrendered to the fun of it–the adventure of letting go of the wires that keep me upright and momentarily floating on the unknown.
I want to live life! And although I did spend the next few days solidly homebound, I ventured and I experienced and I made memories. That’s what this year is about. I will say “yes” I will stretch my limbs in the openness. I feel stuck and I want to jump, I’m ready.